i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
where are you?
Hypothermia
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize