I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
