I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
