The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Help. Why am I so naked?
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