she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
