You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
