Will you blow on my dice?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
