hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
