I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize