have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
