I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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