Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
