this is something i pride myself on being below average for
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
