So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
