dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
