He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
