Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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