you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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