you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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