cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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