dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
