True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
