she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
