I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
