how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
