I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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