i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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