You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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