Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize