So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This house was built for laser tag.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
did i walk over a car last night?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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