Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize