so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
