so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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