So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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