I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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