i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
