Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
