I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
