she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
