she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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