I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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