Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
