We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
