i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
