She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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