I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
