One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
