It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
