Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
