Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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