I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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