just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
whose ass print is on the piano?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize