So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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