Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
