your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
