if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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